Sunday, September 11, 2011

Celebrity Gossip Column of the Apocalypse

So a few weeks ago I was asked to read at this reading series based on the theme of dystopia and apocalypse, called The Liquid Burning of Apocalyptic Bard Letters. It's at the at the Black Rock Bar. So this is what I wrote for it.

Apocalypse Weekly Gossip Column
As Featured In the Grocery Store Tabloid Magazine All Access Rapture Confidential
by The Whore of Hollywood Babylon Prophet of Judgment

Snowpocalypse in the midwest, Hurracaines on the east coast, earthquakes in the south. All in time for celebrating the 10th anniversary of 911. Don't miss this starstudded red carpet commemorative celebrity event, featuring someone playing kettle drums, a couple accountants and maybe Gary Busey.

It's the Britney Spears Military Complex, Bitch! The Princess of Pop's "Till The World Ends" Mayan 2012 remix is available on I-Tunes! Co-written by Ke$ha, produced by Max Martin and Dr. Luke, you can also order the Premium Fan Edition that comes with a handjob. No official word has been released yet from BritBrit's record label Sony/Zomba/Jive/JPMorgan-USPS-UPS-fedex-Burger-King-McDonalds regarding the potential end of life as we know it and how that may affect sales.

Have you heard the FIVE SIX about the September issue of Astrophysics Tramp Stamp Tattoo Society? Allegations have come forward of a scandalous section devoted to Albert Einstein tattoos. Infamous Gossip Queen of tinsel town Perez Jinx Falkenburg Walter Winchell of the popular web site vicious-alicously pronounced of the Page Six tell-all expose that wipes the ink gun clean:

 "Tattoos of Einstein are the Spensor's Gifts of tattoo images," Perez says. "What the end-of-the-world needs now IS NOT tattoos of an aging Jewish man with crazy hair that says 'E=MC squared! Imagination is more important than knowledge.'  BORING. If you're so into physics, why not use the picture of a graph depicting gravity as the curvature of space and time? WhatEVER! Besides, if people who get these tattoos were so into astrophysics they would know that the discussion of gravity and space time has started to incorporate theories regarding elements of spin."

THE TEA HAS BEEN SPILLED! A new demographic study performed by the Center For Public Boredom claims that the best way to bore people to tears so that they eagerly await the termination of existence instead of confronting the heartbreaking absurdity of existential nausea as described by the work of John-Paul Sartre is to conduct self-administered mail in surveys that focus on close-ended questions vs. open ended questions, and that all questionaires should avoid vague qualifiers or abstract terms, as well as being careful to avoid charming jargon or quirky slang that humanizes the respondents and inspires a soul-enriching, life-affirming experience of their humanity. The categories to questions 2, 3, 10, 11 and 12 in Figure 3.1 and Quesitons 1, 2, and 4 in Figure 3.2 are mutually exclusive, although respondents should be able to provide multiple single word answers if relevant. When the questionnaire makes provisions for respondents to give multiple choice answers, the surveyors must also make provisions for the multiple answers to be efficiently and completely coded into the data for analysis.

OMG!! In the "Nothing to see here people move it along!" Dept.! The entity United-States-of-Wall-Mart-Target-Viacom-MTV-VH1-Hewlitt-Packard-of-The-America-Coporation has ordered a video featuring alleged enlightened beings from another planet warning humans of their potential path to environmental, nuclear and otherwise ruinous destruction, to be removed from popular free video website In a tell all interview where no topic is left untouched, Doublethink Corporation Inc. employee Citizen #1,237 comes forward to discuss the decision to post, unpost, delete, assimilate, exterminate and then repost a replacement video that features Harry 'Haywire' McClintock's hobo classic Big Rock Candy Mountain accompanied by innocuous animation of houses built out of sweet cakes and candy, created and posted by critically acclaimed Swedish production team jorsky7iimbaa7296everythingisdoubleplusgood, known for such argumentative innuendo that most likely no aliens have ever landed on our planet and never will and seriously, look at this device and don't blink OK there were no aliens in this spot ever, you have unaccounted for time because you just fell asleep at the wheel and no, you were never taken aboard any vessel and probed by any aliens ever, really, just you know, everything is all good, hey look there's a cute doggie!

FASHION NO-NO! Lizard-consciousness out-of-body experiences, ayahuasca, Neanderthal Enigma consciousness, that is SO twentieth century. Currently in: neuro-linguistic programming, storing your genes on a boat and eschatology that views the end times as perfection. 

HOT! HOT! HOT! A source has given me the tip off that there will be a technological singularity in the 21st century that would profoundly and unpredictably change the course of human history, and result in Homo sapiens no longer being the dominant life form on earth. This will be correlated with the life cycle of the sun!  Another announcement proclaimed that extensive destructive events will destroy the population of the world, which will then restart all of creation with divine beings that will begin a Golden Age.

Anton take me away! What's your feel good factor? A spokesperson for the followers of Anton "Battle Hymn of the Apocalypse" Lavey suggested that in case the world really does end, you should live it up, indulging your impulses instead of abstaining. Go on! Celebrate your own birthday. Don't you deserve it? It may be your last chance.

Word has leaked out! Chronos "Father of Time" took a "time out" from his busy schedule of growing his long, grey beard to announce that it's not worth putting anything else in your Netflix queue if you already have more than 276 films in it, because the world might end in the --

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