I thought to myself, if you bought a time machine at Target, it would be this:
This week's Doctor Who (well, technicaly last week I suppose) was satisfying, with the "fish out of water" sequences I always enjoy in things, like Look! The Doctor is being sort of a nanny! Look! The Doctor is working in a toy store! Look! The Doctor is petting a toy dog robot and making comments like it's K-9 etc. It was very exciting that we configured my I-Pod to plug into the TV so we can ferment on the couch watching stuff on a big TV instead of sitting in front of a computer in lame-o office chairs.
Secretly in the middle of the night I've been watching the first season of "Heroes" streaming off Netflix. There are episodes of "Heroes" with former DW star Christopher Eccleston which I think will be in the next season that I'll hit soon, so maybe I'll watch the series to there. It's a pretty cheesy show but I can't stop. I would be interested in just a full series devoted to the Hiro Nakamura character, the Asian comic book geek, who can transport through time and space. His character has a charming boyish nerdiness that I enjoy, and he is definitely supposed to be the comic relief, which at the same time makes me uncomfortable in a "Is he the comic relief because he's Asian?" kind of a way. Anyway, the Heroes thing started because I watched the first DVD of Osamu Tezuka's The Phoenix, and since the next DVDs in the series aren't here yet and I was still in a science fictiony mood, and because Netflix didn't have live streaming for the following discs of The Phoenix, I decided to watch Heroes, especially also because Netflix would let me stream it (and because I'd heard a lot about it). I think one of the reasons I like science fiction so much is it has events that are so much more interesting than my daily life. There's not much I can do to make tasks that annoy me any more magical or spiritual.
All this science fiction got me thinking: so much of the tasks we have to do in the world need enrichment of something more interesting than the mundane. Time machines do indeed need to be at the big box store! Universal timeless proverbs of sentient intelligence should coming out from the computer screen, there should be haunted hexes on things, there need to be spiritual life forces at the tollbooths...Is what I'm really looking for is religion? I would be happy to accept it if something convinced me that there were spiritual forces outside of what I understand reality to be. But so far I haven't encountered anything. I'm open! Hello?! Hello?! Hello?!
OK, so my antennaes are up. In the mean time, I present you...
The Terrifying, Shocking Tale of the Haunted Tire Replacement
by Liz "Mummified Monster" Mason
(This story is best enjoyed read aloud in a scary voice)
Lightning flashed! Thunder roared! The sky went dark! Booooooooo!
My caaaar neeeeded new front tiiiiires and there was a eery sqeeeeeeak coming when I hit the breaaaaaaks.
I went to the haunted Midas on Fuuuuulllertooon, three blocks east of the post office. They told me that they could patch up my tires or put on new ones. I said that I wanted 2 new ones. They said it would beeeeeee $119.99 with $19.99 to instaaaaaaall for EACH TIIIIRE. They were having a saaaaaaale, and that I could get Bridgestone Primewall tiiiiiiiires. I found this accetpable. They also told me that it cooooooomes with a 30,000 mile warrentyyyyyy. But then! They talked me into paying another $79.95 for tire alignment otherwise I'd have to come back in a few months to fix the tires from being worn down due to misalignment. Then I also had to pay $3.95 for a new valve stem, another $3.95 for a tire tax, and then a tire disposal fee for $2.50.
They asked me if I had anything else on the car to look at. I howled ghoulishly, "Perhaps the braaaaaakes, because they squeeeeeeak sometiiiiiiimes." They asked me, "Does that happen all the time? Or just when it's wet out?"
I shuddered. I said, "Usually when it's wet out but then also sometimes other times too. I think there might be something hauuuuuuuuuunted in our car. I think there must be a spirit in there!" Then I waited a paniced moment while they assessed the brakes.
A few HAIR-RAISING minutes later, they showed me that my rooters make the squeaking sound when they're wet because they are rinsing off the rust, which many cars do, but the squeaking was happening in normal weather because of heat spots created by constant use, which create marks that cause extra friction. The mechanic suggested slicing off part of the rooooooooooter (essentially exfoliating the surface), but if we did that, we would also need to get new break pads. It would cost like $250 EXTRA DOLLARS! I let out a BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM! I CAN'T AFFORD THAT!
I said, "I'll pass on rooter work for now but that perhaps I will do it another time."
Then the receptionist had me sign some GRUESOME paperwork. Since it would take two TERRIFYING hours to install the new tires, I went to the SPINE-CHILLING doughnut shop across the street to wait fearfully. A NIGHTMARISH chill went down my spine! THEY DIDN'T HAVE WI-FI! An unspeakable tragedy must have happened in that very spot 75 years ago! I COULD NOT CHECK MY E-MAIL!! But the GLAAAAAAAAAZED DOUGHNUT was DELICIOUS!
Then when my car was ready, they called my cell phone. The total was $364.97. I went back and paid with a supernatural card-like item that had a magical spectral stripe on it that allowed me to exchange it for goods and services when it was slid through an unearthly device.
"Thank yooooooooou," I said.
The lady said, "Why are you talking like that?"
And I said, "Because I took some muscle relaaaaaaxants."
Unrelated note: one last note before I go. I would just like it to be known that strangely, Netflix sent me bonus discs of a movie before sending the actual movie. So I watched the 2 bonus discs for "Grindhouse" before actually watching "Grindhouse." So now I know all about the CGI effects, stunt doubles and casting adventures. Is it me, or is Q. Tarantino sort of cheesy? Just thinking aloud.